


Demons and Idiots Oh My!

by SoU2019



Series: Royed OTPoly 2020 SoU [9]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Supernatural (TV) Fusion, Crossover, Demons, First Meetings, Flirting, Hunters & Hunting, M/M, SoUarchive, mentions of spn characters - Freeform, yes I used to be superwholock trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26096137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoU2019/pseuds/SoU2019
Summary: The man, who had interrupted Ed’s dinner the previous night to introduce himself as Roy Mustang, looked at Ed with a hard gaze. “You are not going to hunt a crossroad’s demon alone. That would be idiotic.”His fist clenched, and Ed barely managed to keep it from connecting with Mustang’s face. “Fuck you, I do what I want.”
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Series: Royed OTPoly 2020 SoU [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815196
Comments: 9
Kudos: 51
Collections: RoyEd OTPoly 2020





	Demons and Idiots Oh My!

**Author's Note:**

> A half-baked idea for the Crossover prompt  
> Hotel Level
> 
> RoyedOTPpoly2020

The cobbled streets were quiet, as even the most enthusiastic tourist had yet to wake up. Ed glanced over his shoulder at the rising sun, and winced as he caught sight of the figure watching him. The wince turned to a growl as he turned to face the ‘slightly’ taller dark haired man who had accosted him the night before and insisted on offering his assistance.

“Thought I told you to fuck off.” Ed hissed, his voice harsh in the silent street.

“And I believe I said, and I quote,  _ ‘no’ _ .” The man said, “My family has been hunting in these parts for generations, this is my problem to solve.”

Ed stalked closer until he was within punching distance, “I’ve been hunting with my brother since I was 12.” He seethed, “I know what I am doing, and I don’t give a shit if this is ‘your’ territory or not.”

“Hmm, well then where is your brother? He wasn’t with you last night.”

“That’s none of your business.” Ed said, crossing his arms. “I’ve got it, I’ll be fine.”

The man, who had interrupted Ed’s dinner the previous night to introduce himself as Roy Mustang, looked at Ed with a hard gaze. “You are not going to hunt a crossroad’s demon alone. That would be idiotic.”

His fist clenched, and Ed barely managed to keep it from connecting with Mustang’s face. “Fuck you, I do what I want.”

Mustang’s face didn’t so much as twitch. “I am coming with you, and that is final.”

Ed could have killed him. Ed could have tied him to a chair and pulled out every fingernail and tooth one-by-one until the Bastard had passed out, and then Ed could begin to--well Al wouldn’t like that very much, and anyways, human leather was a bitch to make.

“Fine, Asshole.” Ed said through clenched teeth, “But if the demon decides to start wearing you as a suit, I am going to let it keep you.”

Mustang grinned, but there was something dark and unsettling about the way it was seemingly carved onto his face. “Alright. I will keep that in mind.”

“Good.” Ed said, turning on his heel. “Now fuck off, I need to go do some research.”

The dust under his feet crunched under the weight of his boots, and he stormed off in the direction of the idiot’s house.

The idiot in question lived in an old half-timbered building that had probably been around for ages. The exposed criss-crossed beams were well kept, and the white stucco looked like it was properly maintained. Ed slipped down the narrow alley beside the house, and with a swift jump, he scaled the garden wall and landed soundlessly into the overgrown yard. The front of the house was spotless, but the back garden revealed the facade for what it was. What had once been a traditional french-style garden had become insanely overgrown, and thistles had taken over what had once been the flower beds. From his hiding spot behind the sprawling lilac bush, Ed had both a perfect view of the kitchen window, and excellent internet access. He stomped down a wayward twig, and sat down as he pulled out his laptop and began to run the program Al had created a few years ago. It had taken him a whole 15 minutes to hack into the wifi, and only an hour to locate the files he had needed. Al’s programme let him quickly search the browser activity coming through the router, and Ed had discovered the man’s rather pathetic reasons for wanting to summon a crossroads demon. The fucking idiot wanted his wife back.

Ed rolled his eyes as he scrolled through the man’s recent history. An 11pm search for ‘best restaurant in my area’ and ‘what to wear to fancy restaurant’ suggested that, after using a demon to essentially roofie his ex-wife, he wanted to start up their renewed ‘relationship’ with a nice dinner. A more pathetic search for ‘how to make a woman cum’ appeared on his history at 1am after a long series of visits to random websites offering ‘custom made devotion rings.’ Ed didn’t really know a lot about having sex with women, but he assumed that a man, who had been married for over a decade with two kids, and a dog, should know how to make his wife orgasm without having to google it. What a fucking idiot. Ed closed the laptop, and began digging through his bag until he pulled out the tiny camera. Carefully, Ed inched his way towards the kitchen window, and placed the die-sized camera on the window ledge. The glass was clean enough to see directly to the table, where an eclectic assortment of books and manuscripts on demonology lay around half a dozen notebooks that were filled with various designs and scribbles. Honestly, if the idiot had spent his time going to therapy instead of trying to summon a demon, then maybe he would have been able to get back together with his wife without selling his soul. 

A piece of tape secured the camera, and Ed smiled at his handiwork. His phone buzzed, confirming that the camera had connected, and he swiped it open to check that the feed was live. With another easy jump, Ed was out of the garden and heading back to his hotel.

\---

“My my, look who’s up early.” Madame Christmas said, as Ed swung the door open, and yawned as he headed towards the bar.

“Eh, I needed a sunrise picture for instagram.” Ed lied, “You guys serve breakfast this early?”

Madame Christmas nodded. “Same as yesterday?”

“Yup.” Ed agreed before narrowing his eyes, “You have quite the memory don’t you?”

The grin on the woman’s face triggered a sense of deja-vu in Ed...it seemed oddly familiar with its carved appearance.

The large woman paused and looked at him sharply, “Oh, I never forget anything.” She turned, and walked into the kitchen, leaving Ed to stare after her.

He made his way to the table he had decided was his, and set his stuff down on to the polished wood surface. This pub/hotel was probably older than most of the houses on the street, and Ed wouldn’t be surprised if these tables had been crafted from the same trees that had been used to create weapons during the Peasants’ War. His room was practically directly above from this table, and he felt safer knowing he might be able to hear if someone was rummaging through his stuff. Not that he had anything worth stealing, but he did have a few items that would raise eyebrows, and that prevented him from using airplanes to travel, because there was no way in hell that he would be allowed to board any sort of plane with his collection of necessary weapons. Al had taken the silver dagger when he left to go visit Mei, and Winry had most of their rare items locked up in the vault, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t paranoid as hell. Who could blame him after all the shit that went down in Kansas? Maybe if those fucking Winchesters asked for help they could have avoided the whole mess. Seriously, did they think they were the only good hunters on the planet?

He had never gone to the USA, and he certainly didn’t want to, but if the fate of the world lay on the shoulders of two Americans, then fuck, he’d get Winry, Al, and Izumi over there as quick as shit. He wouldn’t trust those gun toting hicks with something as important as the fucking apocalypse. He sighed as his phone beeped, an email from a review website asking if he could rate his stay at this pub. A quick swipe dismissed the notification and Ed leaned back looking at the ceiling. He had chosen this place because of the ratings, and because he liked to occasionally stay somewhere that didn’t have the word ‘hostel’ in the title. Not that he was picky or anything, but sometimes his leg stump hurt and climbing up and down a hostel bunk-bed ladder became tricky, also a bit of privacy was nice, he was human after all, and at 20 his body had certain ‘needs’. He frowned, speaking of ‘privacy’ how had that Mustang bastard found out about him? He hadn’t been followed, and he had kept to himself during the whopping 21 hours he had been here. Now that he thought about it, it was odd that at peak tourist season, and with over 20 rooms that were fully occupied, that Madame Christmas would remember what he had ordered for breakfast the day before, not to mention that Mustang had known who he was and how to find him.

There was a sound from the kitchen, and Ed looked to see Madame Christmas making her way towards him holding a plate that was laden with cheeses, meats, spreads, and thick slices of rye bread.

“Eat up.” She said, placing the plate down infront of him.

“Thanks,” Ed replied, before deciding that it was best not to waste any time. “How’d you know who I am?” 

To her credit, Madame Christmas didn’t so much as blink. “I know a hunter when I see one.” She said in her gravelly voice, “Especially one who seems to be the topic of half the gossip amongst my girls.”

“Your girls?”

“Yes,” She smiled, “My girls. I have a dozen or so out hunting at any given time, it has been a remarkably busy year.”

Ed nodded, “Yeah, so I guess that's why you sicced that Bastard on me. Gotta protect your girls.”

The smile turned into a flash of sharp teeth, “More like I have to protect  _ you  _ from my girls, they can be a bit...enthusiastic.”

“Well, you can tell him to fuck off, I don’t need help.” Ed snapped, crossing his arms.

The woman laughed heartily, and turned to call out over her shoulder, “Roy-boy, Rupunzel says you need to fuck off.”

Ed glared furiously at the man who sauntered out of a back room, hair perfectly mussed, and clothing far too neat for someone who had woken up before dawn to stalk him.

“Dear me, does he want to die alone then? I assumed people didn’t want to die alone if the popularity of dating apps are anything to go by.”

“I’m not going to  _ die _ !” Ed exclaimed, “The demon is going to die!”

He turned his glare back at Madame Christmas, “Look, I’ve hunted alone before, I’ll be fine!” He huffed, “I don’t need you telling that bastard to flirt with me to try and gather information. Next time just fuckin ask.”

“I didn’t tell him to flirt with you.” Madame Christmas said, “I simply told him to offer his assistance.” Her eyebrow quirked, “Next time I’ll be sure to clarify by what I mean by ‘assistance’.” She winked, and Ed felt his face burn. “Roy is always eager to provide ‘assistance’. Sometimes a little too eager.” She concluded with a faint hint of disapproval that was clearly directed at the man in question.

“My most sincere apologies Madame.” Roy said, not sounding very sorry. “I didn’t think being charming was a crime.”

“No, but cradle robbing is.” Madame Christmas said with a smirk, and Ed felt his soul leave his burning body as he face-planted into the table, narrowly avoiding upsetting the plate of delicious breakfast.

“Hmm, I’ll leave this to you Roy.” Ed heard the Madame say, before there was a slight rustling of clothing, and the creaking of a chair as Mustang sat down across from him.

“Fuck off.” Ed said, but it sounded weak and kind of pathetic.

“I’d much rather stay here.” Mustang said looking directly at him, “I have a much nicer view.”

Ed’s head shot up, and he felt the faintest hint of vertigo but he didn’t care. “Oh hell no!” He said, waving his arms. “You can come babysit me while I save an idiot from himself, but I will not stop myself from killing you if you keep flirting.”

“My apologies,” Roy said “I-”

“I. Don’t. Care.” Ed interrupted, “I need to focus, and I can’t do that if you go around fucking distracting me.”

Roy opened his mouth as if to speak, but he quickly snapped it shut. Ed glared harder. The bastard smiled sheepishly, “I will do my best.”

“Good.” Ed said, reaching for his plate. “Now tell me everything you know about the idiot Leon Wagner.”

“He divorced from his wife 5 years ago, but has since had several restraining orders because he can’t seem to let her live her own life. She has full custody of their children, and he has lost the right to be in their lives due to the ongoing harassment of his ex-wife. He began to check out library books about demons last year, and I was informed by one of the librarians that he has been looking into summoning spells. Madame has been keeping an eye on him, and it wasn’t until last week that he began to act in a very odd manner. This coincided with 3 people in town winning the lottery, so one of my sister’s began to follow him and discovered the crossroads demon he had summoned. There was an ad on Craigslist that was requesting volunteers for a ‘study of the supernatural’ and we think the demon he summoned requested that he spread the word about the opportunity before assisting him.” Roy shrugged, his broad shoulders flexing visibly through his tight shirt. “It is unusual, but not unheard of.”

“Eurgh. Idiots.” Ed said between bites, “What time do you want to head out?”

\--

Ed pulled his jacket closer to his body as a cool breeze made him shiver. He would never admit it out loud, but he really wished he had put on something warmer. The crossroad was located a few kilometers outside of the city limits, and it was a rather scenic location with unkempt hedges making the unpaved road seem more secluded than it actually was. He had seen several farmsteads on his way here, but it was planting season, and most farmers preferred to work before dawn than after dusk. There was still some time to go before midnight, and the idiot Wagner had yet to show up. His live camera feed from the kitchen window had suggested that Wagner had already left the house, but he couldn’t be sure. Ed stretched his arms out behind him and heard his joints crack, Mustang was sitting on the ground leaning up against the remnants of an ancient stone fence that would have kept cattle from wandering too far from their stone age owners. Well maybe not  _ quite  _ stone age, but Ed hadn’t dropped out of school at the age of 12 to study history full time. They were well hidden by a conveniently located curve in the road, but they could see the crossroads clearly in the moonlight even if they weren’t close enough to smell sulfur.

“How did you hear about this demon?” Mustang asked.

Ed sighed in annoyance, “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? Or more specifically, how the hell I heard about it before you did since this is ‘your town’ and all that.”

“I’ve been--distracted.” Mustang said, “My friend, who works as an intelligence agent, sent me a lead on a case out east and I went with my team.”

“Oooooh, niiiice. You have a team.” Ed said, his voice changing pitch as he rolled his eyes sarcastically. “Where are they now? Getting their nails done?”

“They stayed to deal with a siren problem. I came back alone because Madame informed me that a few too many people in town had suddenly come into money.”

“Why do people go from ‘I need money’ to ‘I need to trade my soul for money’ before even looking at any other options.” Ed said, “It’s fucked up.”

“Mhmm.” Mustang agreed, leaning his head back against the rocks, the collar of the buttoned shirt falling open and letting the starlight reflect off of his collarbones. Ed did his best not to look too hard, but it was difficult to focus on the hunt when he had Adonis over there lounging around like they were having a picnic rather than killing a demon who could easily tear them open. 

“So,” Mustang said, and Ed startled. “Why isn’t your brother with you?”

Ed let out a disgruntled noise. “We met a witch named Mei, and now Al wants to spend every minute with her.” He sighed, “He’s 19 and can do what he wants, but I miss him.”

“Does he know you are hunting demons without him?” Mustang asked, sitting up.

“As if!” Ed laughed, “He’d kill me if he knew.”

“So why hunt at all?”

“I was bored, alright?!” Ed said, “Al’s been gone for a week, and when I overheard some guys in a bar talking about this place, I decided to come check it out.” He shrugged, “I have everything I need, and I can cast the spell from here. It’s not as dangerous and going around stabbing them, I don’t have to get anywhere near them.”

“So why did you bring a knife?” Mustang asked, looking as if he already knew the answer.

“Back up.”

“No.”

“Fuck you.”

“Not if you keep lying.”

“URGH, you’re such a bastard! Fine. I wanted to fight something so I brought the knife, but since you insisted on sticking your fat nose into my business, I have to resort to using the boring ass spell. So now I’ll have to kick your ass to make up for it.” Ed said, barely managing to keep his voice down.

There was a look of satisfaction in Mustang’s eyes before it was clouded with fake hurt. “My nose isn’t ‘fat’.” He said.

It was true, Mustang’s nose was a perfectly fine nose, a nice nose, a nose Ed would like to see from a much closer vantage point. He shook the thought from his head, and turned to focus on the crossroads. Mustang didn’t say anything and it was quiet, and Ed checked his pockets for the hundredth time, making sure his backup salt, and holy water were there. He had long ago memorised the spell to exorcise the demon out of a human host, and he had plenty of practise doing this in a way that didn’t harm the host body. He looked at the symbols he had prepared, and at the bowl surrounded by unlit candles. Everything was ready, they just needed the idiot to show up, and for the demon to appear.

Luckily, it appeared that Mustang had run out of non-flirtatious things to say, and was staring contemplatively out at the horizon. The minutes ticked by in silence until the peace was broken by the sound of crunching gravel, and a set of headlights approaching. Both men ducked down reflexively, and only poked their heads out once the old brakes had stopped squealing, and the motor had been shut off. A tall and gangly man stepped into view, and they watched as he called the demon. Ed saw the air shimmer, and immediately began lighting the candles and reciting the spell.

He had always felt that this was the easy way out, and that it was remarkably anti-climactic, but finding this spell had not been easy, and acquiring the ingredients usually made up for the lack of action. Before Leon Wagner could even begin to speak, Ed had the demon screaming, and bits of black air escaped the host’s mouth until the demon was expelled and the host collapsed on the dirt as the demon exploded in a blinding light.

Mustang was up and had tackled Wagner before Ed had even reached the side of the host, who was still breathing, but looked like she would need a few months to physically recover, and a lot of therapy. Ed placed her in the recovery position, while Mustang held Wagner down all the while reprimanding him for his own stupidity. 

“--And on top of everything, your vehicle violates several road safety laws by having faulty brakes! Demons aren’t a panacea for all of life’s problems!” Mustang was saying, every word emphasized by a twisting of the arm, until Wagner began to cry like the idiot he was.

Ed walked over to the car and parked it just off the gravel, before heading back to his own vehicle and pulling up beside Mustang, who threw Wagner into the back seat after making sure the handcuffs held firm. Wagner looked panicked when Ed lay the head of the demon’s host victim on his lap, but he didn’t dare voice his complaints when Ed shot him a glare. 

“Where to now?” Mustang asked, as he settled into the passenger’s seat.

“ER.” Ed said as he hit the gas, “He’s suicidal, and she’s knocked out. We picked them up on the side of the road and we don’t know anything else.”

“I’m not--” Wagner’s weak voice protested but Ed cut him off.

“Yes,  _ you are _ . Now the hospital will get you the therapy you so desperately need, and your ex-wife will stay safely away from you.”

“I--” Wagner began.

“Shut Up!” Ed and Mustang said simultaneously. 

Ed looked at Mustang, who looked back at him and they both laughed. Despite the rather boring conclusion, demon hunts were particularly stressful, and Ed felt the relief flood through him as he added this hunt to his list of wins. 

“I would very much like to know the spell you used.” Mustang said. “I haven’t seen one quite like it.”

Ed flashed him a grin, “Only if you teach me how to tackle. I can never get them on the ground without kicking them.”

“Well, how about I buy you lunch tomorrow?”

“Fine, but it had better be a good one because it took us ages to get the spell right the first time. We were told that it was just a myth, but that's what they said about werewolves, and I know they are real.”

“I’ll make sure it is an equivalent exchange.” Mustang said, “I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t  _ reciprocate _ .” 

Ed could hear the eyebrow waggle. He rolled his eyes, and lightly punched Mustang’s shoulder. What the hell had he gotten himself into?


End file.
